As daughters of God we are each unique and different in our circumstances and experiences. And yet our part matters—because we matter. Our daily contributions of nurturing, teaching, and caring for others may seem mundane, diminished, difficult, and demeaning at times, and yet as we remember that first line in the Young Women theme—“We are daughters of our Heavenly Father, who loves us”—it will make all the difference in our relationships and our responses.
(2013 April General Conference, We Are Daughters of Our Heavenly Father, Sat. Morning Session - By Elaine S. Dalton)
Wednesday, June 12, 2013
What-e'er Thou Art, Act Well Thy Part
When I was in college, I was a member of the BYU International Folk Dancers. One summer our group had the unique privilege to tour the missions in Europe. It was a difficult summer for me because a few months earlier my father had unexpectedly passed away. While we were in Scotland, I felt especially alone and became discouraged. We danced at a chapel that night, and then after our performance we went next door to the mission home. As I proceeded up the walk, I saw a stone placed in a well-kept garden by the gate. On it I read the words, “What-e’er thou art, act well thy part.” At that moment those words went deeply into my heart, and I felt the powers of heaven reach out and give me a message. I knew I was known by a loving Heavenly Father. I felt I was not alone. I stood in that garden with tears in my eyes. “What-e’er thou art, act well thy part.” That simple statement renewed my vision that Heavenly Father knew me and had a plan for my life, and the spirit I felt helped me understand that my part mattered.
Later I learned that this saying had once motivated the prophet David O. McKay while he was serving as a young missionary in Scotland. He had seen it on a stone on a building at a discouraging time in his life and on his mission, and the words lifted him. Years later as the building was being torn down, he made arrangements to obtain the stone and had it placed in the garden at the mission home.
(2013 April General Conference, We Are Daughters of Our Heavenly Father, Sat. Morning Session - By Elaine S. Dalton)
Later I learned that this saying had once motivated the prophet David O. McKay while he was serving as a young missionary in Scotland. He had seen it on a stone on a building at a discouraging time in his life and on his mission, and the words lifted him. Years later as the building was being torn down, he made arrangements to obtain the stone and had it placed in the garden at the mission home.
(2013 April General Conference, We Are Daughters of Our Heavenly Father, Sat. Morning Session - By Elaine S. Dalton)
Elaine Dalton My 92-year-old Grandma
We Are Daughters of Our Heavenly Father
BY ELAINE S. DALTON (2013 April General Conference, We Are Daughters of Our Heavenly Father, Sat. Morning Session - By Elaine S. Dalton
Recently my magnificent 92-year-old mother passed away. She left this mortal existence as she had lived—quietly. Her life was not what she had planned. Her husband, my father, passed away when he was 45, leaving her with three children—me and my two brothers. She lived 47 years as a widow. She supported our family by teaching school during the day and teaching piano lessons at night. She cared for her aging father, my grandfather, who lived next door. She made sure that each of us received a college education. In fact, she insisted on it so that we could be “contributors.” And she never complained. She kept her covenants, and because she did, she called down the powers of heaven to bless our home and to send miracles. She relied on the power of prayer, priesthood, and covenant promises. She was faithful in her service to the Lord. Her steadfast devotion steadied us, her children. She often repeated the scripture: “I, the Lord, am bound when ye do what I say; but when ye do not what I say, ye have no promise.” That was her motto, and she knew it was true. She understood what it meant to be a covenant keeper. She was never recognized by the world. She didn’t want that. She understood who she was and whose she was—a daughter of God. Indeed, it can be said of our mother that she acted well her part. (2013 April General Conference, We Are Daughters of Our Heavenly Father, Sat. Morning Session - By Elaine S. Dalton)
BY ELAINE S. DALTON (2013 April General Conference, We Are Daughters of Our Heavenly Father, Sat. Morning Session - By Elaine S. Dalton
Recently my magnificent 92-year-old mother passed away. She left this mortal existence as she had lived—quietly. Her life was not what she had planned. Her husband, my father, passed away when he was 45, leaving her with three children—me and my two brothers. She lived 47 years as a widow. She supported our family by teaching school during the day and teaching piano lessons at night. She cared for her aging father, my grandfather, who lived next door. She made sure that each of us received a college education. In fact, she insisted on it so that we could be “contributors.” And she never complained. She kept her covenants, and because she did, she called down the powers of heaven to bless our home and to send miracles. She relied on the power of prayer, priesthood, and covenant promises. She was faithful in her service to the Lord. Her steadfast devotion steadied us, her children. She often repeated the scripture: “I, the Lord, am bound when ye do what I say; but when ye do not what I say, ye have no promise.” That was her motto, and she knew it was true. She understood what it meant to be a covenant keeper. She was never recognized by the world. She didn’t want that. She understood who she was and whose she was—a daughter of God. Indeed, it can be said of our mother that she acted well her part. (2013 April General Conference, We Are Daughters of Our Heavenly Father, Sat. Morning Session - By Elaine S. Dalton)
Tuesday, May 28, 2013
Thursday, May 23, 2013
But I thought husbands took out the garbage
Ensign, Oct 1989, 29
Talk about your expectations before you get married.
Jim loved football. His affection for the sport had blossomed as he grew up. He fondly remembered Saturday afternoons at the stadium, his family snuggled together under warm blankets as they drank hot chocolate and savored the thrills of the game. Sally, Jim’s fiancee, did not share Jim’s passion for football. Her family had considered football to be a waste of time, and Sally felt that there were more important things to do on a Saturday than to squander several hours on a ball game.
During their courtship, the topic of football seldom came up. Jim felt that even though Sally wasn’t too keen on the sport, she would probably like to attend football games because they were a wholesome family activity. Sally knew Jim liked football but assumed he wouldn’t want to spend time at a football game when they could be doing errands or special projects.
As you might suppose, Jim and Sally ended up quarreling about football after their marriage. They did manage to compromise, but not before they had hurt each other’s feelings and questioned each other’s priorities.
Like Jim and Sally, all couples bring certain expectations to marriage. Personality traits and lifelong patterns and values contribute to a person’s expectations. They may be quite simple, such as who should take out the garbage. Or they may be deep-seated and complex, such as how spouses should treat one another. Unfortunately, differing expectations can be the source of serious conflict in a marriage. But you can prepare during courtship to reconcile expectations and lessen the possibility for contention.
Most couples usually disclose their major expectations before marriage, such as religious beliefs or views on parenthood. Many other couples, though, do not discuss the less-obvious details of married life, such as who will balance the checkbook, pay the bills, or scrub the bathtub. There are several reasons for this. You may feel that a subject isn’t important enough to mention or is too sensitive to bring up. Maybe you’re not aware of some expectations because you have not yet experienced a situation that would bring them to mind. You may not mention other expectations because you have never given much thought to them.
Thus, before trying to reconcile expectations, recognize that not all differences are bad. A couple usually find that many of their differences affect their marriage very little. Sometimes they can even enhance a marriage. George, for instance, had little experience in studying the scriptures, while Karen loved the standard works and read from them frequently. After marriage, George did not expect the scriptures to play a major part in his life; but he soon saw how much Karen benefitted from them, so he started to read them himself.
The solution is to identify the differences that can hamper your marriage relationship and then resolve them. The following steps, taken during courtship, can greatly increase the foundation of love and respect on which you will build your marriage.
List expectations according to their importance. A useful way to clarify expectations is to write them down. Try listing thirty expectations about marriage, covering areas such as division of home responsibilities, financial management, careers, child-rearing, education, hobbies, religion, ethics, authority (including priesthood authority), and treatment of spouse and children. Making the implicit expectations explicit is a major step in preventing future problems.
Next, identify those expectations you will not change. These include beliefs concerning marital fidelity, honesty, integrity, responsibility, and love. Then arrange the remaining expectations in groups of about five according to their importance to you. Place a 1 by the group that is most important, a 2 by the group that is next in importance, and so on. This exercise will help you determine the priority of your expectations.
After you and your sweetheart have prepared your lists, discuss them positively. As you talk, ask yourself the following questions: Are you as interested in understanding what he or she has to say as you are in explaining yourself? Do you view many of your expectations as flexible? Do you understand that expectations in such a discussion are not demands? Remember that even serious differences in many expectations can be worked out.
Develop positive feelings of self-worth. If you feel good about yourself, you can look more objectively at someone else’s thoughts and won’t have to work through your own emotional problems first. Pride, self-centeredness, self-pity, and a low opinion of oneself interfere with resolving differences in marital expectations. Janene, for instance, felt inadequate at almost everything she did. One day, her boyfriend asked her what she liked to cook best. Janene, a good cook, had learned many recipes from her mother, but because she felt that her meals were always flawed, she told him that she didn’t like to cook. Then she worried even more that she could never measure up to her boyfriend’s expectations.
An awareness that the Lord accepts you, imperfect as you are, and loves you will go a long way to developing a proper, realistic view of your individual worth. Appreciate who you are and what you can do.
On the other hand, complacent acceptance of our weaknesses is detrimental to our spiritual growth. We need to strike a balance between accepting ourselves in our imperfections while patiently working to overcome those same imperfections. I remember vividly a statement one husband made during a counseling session: “Look, I am the way I am. If I was supposed to be different, Heavenly Father would have made me different. I can’t change.” Unfortunately, this statement reflects the feelings of many, single or married. It also contradicts the Lord, who said, “For the power is in them, wherein they are agents unto themselves.” (D&C 58:28.)
Fortunately, because we have the ability to analyze our behavior, beliefs, values, self-concept, and expectations, we are not locked into lifelong habits and attitudes. We can change to meet the needs of others. During one disagreement, Roberta accused Paul of being unkind to her. This astonished Paul and he replied, “But I am kind! I don’t interfere with what you want to do. I don’t criticize you. And I try to be dependable.”
Roberta said, “But you seldom tell me you love me. You don’t show any appreciation. Even a hug would be nice!”
Though the couple were using the same kinds of words, they gave them different meanings. Words such as consideration, sensitivity, gentleness, patience, and selflessness can be applied in different ways. One person’s idea of selflessness may be to sacrifice, while another person may think of selflessness in terms of helping. Define specifically what you mean. For instance, if you read “I want my spouse to be kind to me” on your sweetheart’s list of expectations, instead of saying “OK” and moving on, you could say something like this: “Sounds good to me. What can I do to show kindness?”
Focus on the need behind the expectation. Expectations arise from needs. Vivian and Gerald, for example, nearly called off their wedding plans when Vivian learned that Gerald expected her to have the house clean and dinner ready by the time he came home from work. She felt that Gerald was being inflexible, selfish, and insensitive; her expectation was that Gerald should help clean the house!
They were able to resolve the impasse when each learned about the other’s expectations. Gerald felt a need to manage household operations, and Vivian felt a need to have someone share in household responsibilities. By agreeing to review all important decisions together and by deciding together who would do what in the home, both their needs were satisfied, and they were able to develop more acceptable expectations.
If you reach an impasse, you might try this simple plan. Express clearly and specifically to each other what you expect. Then ask your sweetheart, “Why is that important to you?” Not all problems can be resolved in this way, but at least you can communicate and make adjustments with greater understanding.
Look to the Spirit for help. The Holy Ghost is one of the great gifts of God, and it is comforting to know that, in our efforts to build marriages that will last eternally, he has not left us without help. The Lord has promised that the Holy Ghost can help you to resolve conflicting expectations. It can guide you to truth. (See John 16:13.) It can comfort you, teach you, and bring things to your remembrance. (See John 14:26.)
Is there any reason, then, not to seek the spirit of revelation, which the Lord says is the Holy Ghost teaching us in our minds and our hearts? (See D&C 8:2–3.) By turning to this divine source of help, in addition to stating our expectations and developing the needed communication skills, we can confidently expect to build a marriage that is strong, vibrant, and loving.
[photos] Sculpted by Davy Jones; photography by Craig Dimond
Slutnoter
Kenneth W. Matheson, a member of research and staff development for LDS Social Services, serves as high priests group leader in the Provo Twenty-fourth Ward, Provo Utah North Stake.
Talk about your expectations before you get married.
Jim loved football. His affection for the sport had blossomed as he grew up. He fondly remembered Saturday afternoons at the stadium, his family snuggled together under warm blankets as they drank hot chocolate and savored the thrills of the game. Sally, Jim’s fiancee, did not share Jim’s passion for football. Her family had considered football to be a waste of time, and Sally felt that there were more important things to do on a Saturday than to squander several hours on a ball game.
During their courtship, the topic of football seldom came up. Jim felt that even though Sally wasn’t too keen on the sport, she would probably like to attend football games because they were a wholesome family activity. Sally knew Jim liked football but assumed he wouldn’t want to spend time at a football game when they could be doing errands or special projects.
As you might suppose, Jim and Sally ended up quarreling about football after their marriage. They did manage to compromise, but not before they had hurt each other’s feelings and questioned each other’s priorities.
Like Jim and Sally, all couples bring certain expectations to marriage. Personality traits and lifelong patterns and values contribute to a person’s expectations. They may be quite simple, such as who should take out the garbage. Or they may be deep-seated and complex, such as how spouses should treat one another. Unfortunately, differing expectations can be the source of serious conflict in a marriage. But you can prepare during courtship to reconcile expectations and lessen the possibility for contention.
Most couples usually disclose their major expectations before marriage, such as religious beliefs or views on parenthood. Many other couples, though, do not discuss the less-obvious details of married life, such as who will balance the checkbook, pay the bills, or scrub the bathtub. There are several reasons for this. You may feel that a subject isn’t important enough to mention or is too sensitive to bring up. Maybe you’re not aware of some expectations because you have not yet experienced a situation that would bring them to mind. You may not mention other expectations because you have never given much thought to them.
Thus, before trying to reconcile expectations, recognize that not all differences are bad. A couple usually find that many of their differences affect their marriage very little. Sometimes they can even enhance a marriage. George, for instance, had little experience in studying the scriptures, while Karen loved the standard works and read from them frequently. After marriage, George did not expect the scriptures to play a major part in his life; but he soon saw how much Karen benefitted from them, so he started to read them himself.
The solution is to identify the differences that can hamper your marriage relationship and then resolve them. The following steps, taken during courtship, can greatly increase the foundation of love and respect on which you will build your marriage.
List expectations according to their importance. A useful way to clarify expectations is to write them down. Try listing thirty expectations about marriage, covering areas such as division of home responsibilities, financial management, careers, child-rearing, education, hobbies, religion, ethics, authority (including priesthood authority), and treatment of spouse and children. Making the implicit expectations explicit is a major step in preventing future problems.
Next, identify those expectations you will not change. These include beliefs concerning marital fidelity, honesty, integrity, responsibility, and love. Then arrange the remaining expectations in groups of about five according to their importance to you. Place a 1 by the group that is most important, a 2 by the group that is next in importance, and so on. This exercise will help you determine the priority of your expectations.
After you and your sweetheart have prepared your lists, discuss them positively. As you talk, ask yourself the following questions: Are you as interested in understanding what he or she has to say as you are in explaining yourself? Do you view many of your expectations as flexible? Do you understand that expectations in such a discussion are not demands? Remember that even serious differences in many expectations can be worked out.
Develop positive feelings of self-worth. If you feel good about yourself, you can look more objectively at someone else’s thoughts and won’t have to work through your own emotional problems first. Pride, self-centeredness, self-pity, and a low opinion of oneself interfere with resolving differences in marital expectations. Janene, for instance, felt inadequate at almost everything she did. One day, her boyfriend asked her what she liked to cook best. Janene, a good cook, had learned many recipes from her mother, but because she felt that her meals were always flawed, she told him that she didn’t like to cook. Then she worried even more that she could never measure up to her boyfriend’s expectations.
An awareness that the Lord accepts you, imperfect as you are, and loves you will go a long way to developing a proper, realistic view of your individual worth. Appreciate who you are and what you can do.
On the other hand, complacent acceptance of our weaknesses is detrimental to our spiritual growth. We need to strike a balance between accepting ourselves in our imperfections while patiently working to overcome those same imperfections. I remember vividly a statement one husband made during a counseling session: “Look, I am the way I am. If I was supposed to be different, Heavenly Father would have made me different. I can’t change.” Unfortunately, this statement reflects the feelings of many, single or married. It also contradicts the Lord, who said, “For the power is in them, wherein they are agents unto themselves.” (D&C 58:28.)
Fortunately, because we have the ability to analyze our behavior, beliefs, values, self-concept, and expectations, we are not locked into lifelong habits and attitudes. We can change to meet the needs of others. During one disagreement, Roberta accused Paul of being unkind to her. This astonished Paul and he replied, “But I am kind! I don’t interfere with what you want to do. I don’t criticize you. And I try to be dependable.”
Roberta said, “But you seldom tell me you love me. You don’t show any appreciation. Even a hug would be nice!”
Though the couple were using the same kinds of words, they gave them different meanings. Words such as consideration, sensitivity, gentleness, patience, and selflessness can be applied in different ways. One person’s idea of selflessness may be to sacrifice, while another person may think of selflessness in terms of helping. Define specifically what you mean. For instance, if you read “I want my spouse to be kind to me” on your sweetheart’s list of expectations, instead of saying “OK” and moving on, you could say something like this: “Sounds good to me. What can I do to show kindness?”
Focus on the need behind the expectation. Expectations arise from needs. Vivian and Gerald, for example, nearly called off their wedding plans when Vivian learned that Gerald expected her to have the house clean and dinner ready by the time he came home from work. She felt that Gerald was being inflexible, selfish, and insensitive; her expectation was that Gerald should help clean the house!
They were able to resolve the impasse when each learned about the other’s expectations. Gerald felt a need to manage household operations, and Vivian felt a need to have someone share in household responsibilities. By agreeing to review all important decisions together and by deciding together who would do what in the home, both their needs were satisfied, and they were able to develop more acceptable expectations.
If you reach an impasse, you might try this simple plan. Express clearly and specifically to each other what you expect. Then ask your sweetheart, “Why is that important to you?” Not all problems can be resolved in this way, but at least you can communicate and make adjustments with greater understanding.
Look to the Spirit for help. The Holy Ghost is one of the great gifts of God, and it is comforting to know that, in our efforts to build marriages that will last eternally, he has not left us without help. The Lord has promised that the Holy Ghost can help you to resolve conflicting expectations. It can guide you to truth. (See John 16:13.) It can comfort you, teach you, and bring things to your remembrance. (See John 14:26.)
Is there any reason, then, not to seek the spirit of revelation, which the Lord says is the Holy Ghost teaching us in our minds and our hearts? (See D&C 8:2–3.) By turning to this divine source of help, in addition to stating our expectations and developing the needed communication skills, we can confidently expect to build a marriage that is strong, vibrant, and loving.
[photos] Sculpted by Davy Jones; photography by Craig Dimond
Slutnoter
Kenneth W. Matheson, a member of research and staff development for LDS Social Services, serves as high priests group leader in the Provo Twenty-fourth Ward, Provo Utah North Stake.
Wednesday, May 22, 2013
My Husband Always Brings Me Roses
By Carol M. Sieverts
(But they’re rarely from the florist.)
Growing up as an incurable romantic, I was certain that when Prince Charming came along on his white charger, his arms would be filled with red roses. My tall, dark, and handsome prince would bow deeply, then shower me with the roses before sweeping me away on his trusty steed.
Indeed, I did find my prince. He was tall, dark, and handsome. But I should have recognized some flaws in my plan when his white charger turned out to be an Arabian bay mare. At first, I was so caught up in the excitement of love and marriage that I completely forgot the roses. Later, though, as daily routine dulled some of the excitement, I began to wonder about the armloads of roses I’d been expecting. Somehow, they kept eluding me.
True, at the births of our first three babies, thanks to some broad hints dropped throughout each pregnancy, he had remembered the roses—one dozen long-stemmed beauties each time. Then, with number four, his practical nature finally got the best of him, and he presented me with—a cactus! It was a big, beautiful cactus—but still I longed for roses.
Several completely flowerless years passed. Then, as I was about to resign myself to a life without roses, a wonderful thing happened. I began to see that roses are where you find them, and they don’t always have red velvet petals or long green stems. This prince of mine had been showering me with roses all along. I had just failed to notice.
One night, I was awakened by the sounds of a sick child in the room across the hall. I called to him, warning him to hurry to the bathroom. But down the hall, I could hear undeniably that he had not been successful. I hurried to his rescue and helped him bathe and change clothes. When I returned our child to bed, I found my prince on his hands and knees, scrubbing the hall carpet. It was only after we had finished cleaning the carpet and had returned to bed that I realized what a lovely rose my husband had just given me.
Since then, I have found roses everywhere. I love to jog, but my prince doesn’t share my enthusiasm. Still, he will take me miles out of his way to find a new route. Then he tends the children until I return home. It was also my nonathletic prince who gave me my beautiful new running suit.
I see his roses in everyday loyalty. He hauls my paraphernalia to every Relief Society meeting I conduct. I won’t say he has never complained, but there is always a goodnatured, lighthearted feeling in his teasing. This bouquet of support is one of lasting beauty.
When my father passed away, my prince again was there, with perhaps his finest rose. My mother was left with a big home and yard, as well as the everyday problems of living alone. My husband took responsibility for two households without a second’s hesitation. And he has done it in such a sensitive way that my mother feels his sincere love and is not uncomfortable or embarrassed by his care. Could any other rose have smelled as sweet?
When I was young, I foolishly prayed for a life filled with romance. But a wise Heavenly Father has blessed me with something far richer—a life filled with genuine love.
I thank my Heavenly Father, too, for giving me the maturity to recognize roses where I find them. Support, kindness, thoughtfulness, and generosity may not be the kinds of roses I dreamed of as a romantic young girl, but as I discover and treasure each blossom, I become more grateful for this strong, kind, and gentle Prince Charming who showers me each day with roses.
[illustration] Illustrated by Brent Christison
Carol M. Sieverts is Relief Society president of the Riverton (Utah) North Stake.
(But they’re rarely from the florist.)
Growing up as an incurable romantic, I was certain that when Prince Charming came along on his white charger, his arms would be filled with red roses. My tall, dark, and handsome prince would bow deeply, then shower me with the roses before sweeping me away on his trusty steed.
Indeed, I did find my prince. He was tall, dark, and handsome. But I should have recognized some flaws in my plan when his white charger turned out to be an Arabian bay mare. At first, I was so caught up in the excitement of love and marriage that I completely forgot the roses. Later, though, as daily routine dulled some of the excitement, I began to wonder about the armloads of roses I’d been expecting. Somehow, they kept eluding me.
True, at the births of our first three babies, thanks to some broad hints dropped throughout each pregnancy, he had remembered the roses—one dozen long-stemmed beauties each time. Then, with number four, his practical nature finally got the best of him, and he presented me with—a cactus! It was a big, beautiful cactus—but still I longed for roses.
Several completely flowerless years passed. Then, as I was about to resign myself to a life without roses, a wonderful thing happened. I began to see that roses are where you find them, and they don’t always have red velvet petals or long green stems. This prince of mine had been showering me with roses all along. I had just failed to notice.
One night, I was awakened by the sounds of a sick child in the room across the hall. I called to him, warning him to hurry to the bathroom. But down the hall, I could hear undeniably that he had not been successful. I hurried to his rescue and helped him bathe and change clothes. When I returned our child to bed, I found my prince on his hands and knees, scrubbing the hall carpet. It was only after we had finished cleaning the carpet and had returned to bed that I realized what a lovely rose my husband had just given me.
Since then, I have found roses everywhere. I love to jog, but my prince doesn’t share my enthusiasm. Still, he will take me miles out of his way to find a new route. Then he tends the children until I return home. It was also my nonathletic prince who gave me my beautiful new running suit.
I see his roses in everyday loyalty. He hauls my paraphernalia to every Relief Society meeting I conduct. I won’t say he has never complained, but there is always a goodnatured, lighthearted feeling in his teasing. This bouquet of support is one of lasting beauty.
When my father passed away, my prince again was there, with perhaps his finest rose. My mother was left with a big home and yard, as well as the everyday problems of living alone. My husband took responsibility for two households without a second’s hesitation. And he has done it in such a sensitive way that my mother feels his sincere love and is not uncomfortable or embarrassed by his care. Could any other rose have smelled as sweet?
When I was young, I foolishly prayed for a life filled with romance. But a wise Heavenly Father has blessed me with something far richer—a life filled with genuine love.
I thank my Heavenly Father, too, for giving me the maturity to recognize roses where I find them. Support, kindness, thoughtfulness, and generosity may not be the kinds of roses I dreamed of as a romantic young girl, but as I discover and treasure each blossom, I become more grateful for this strong, kind, and gentle Prince Charming who showers me each day with roses.
[illustration] Illustrated by Brent Christison
Carol M. Sieverts is Relief Society president of the Riverton (Utah) North Stake.
The Daily Dozen of Marriage
By Dee W. Hadley
March 1990 Ensign
Most of us recognize that our physical bodies need constant exercise to remain fit and healthy. The United States Army, for example, has developed a series of twelve exercises that each soldier is expected to perform at least twelve times every day. These exercises have become known as the “daily dozen.”
Couples, too, need to work constantly at strengthening their marriages. Here are a dozen things you can do daily to help improve that most vital of relationships—the one you have with your wife. Because I think husbands need frequent and specific reminders, I’ll address these ideas to husbands. But wives can use them, too—and some of the ideas need to be adapted to your specific circumstances.
1. Spend five minutes a day thinking positive thoughts about her. Instead of complaining about things you’d like her to do differently, focus on the good things she is already doing. Think how lucky you are to have her. By thinking positive thoughts about her, you’ll be more likely to feel loving and close.
2. Pay her a genuine compliment every day. Often, important tasks like washing and ironing clothes, fixing meals, or cleaning the house become so routine that they go unnoticed. Tell your wife you appreciate what she’s doing.
3. Do an act of service for her daily. When my wife was recovering from major surgery recently, I found myself doing many of the household chores she normally performs—and I discovered that the more I did for her, the more I loved her and the closer I felt to her. As you do things for your wife, the quality of your love will increase.
4. Give her a gesture of love every day. Don’t be too busy to give her tender touches, hugs, and affectionate kisses.
5. Spend at least ten to fifteen minutes each day sharing feelings with her. If your wife spends most of her time with children, she’ll enjoy some adult conversation at the end of the day. Even if you don’t have children at home, you need to talk with your wife. When we don’t spend the time to share thoughts and feelings, we end up mind-reading—which can lead to incorrect assumptions and unnecessary feelings of alienation. Listening helps lead us to true oneness as husband and wife.
6. Help her when you come home from work every day. Whether your wife has been at home all day or away at work, she is probably as tired as you are when you come home. Don’t unload your problems on her immediately. Allow her time to relax, if possible, and then help her with the kids and dinner. As you do, share your feelings and experiences of the day. Working together like this will help you feel more like a team.
Every mother knows that the hours between dinner and the children’s bedtime is the hardest time of day. What an excellent time for dads to show their sons how to be good fathers and husbands!
7. Be supportive of her throughout the day. It’s important for both of you to know that neither one of you has to carry the burdens of the marriage or family alone. When things go wrong, there is someone to lean on. When the children are driving you crazy, there is someone to take over for a while. When your work or church assignment seems overwhelming, there is an understanding shoulder to cry on—someone who listens and who respects your ideas and values.
8. Be courteous every day to all family members. A good example of courtesy and kindness by you, the priesthood holder, will encourage other family members to love the Lord, your wife, and one another better. Nagging, name-calling, and losing your temper only indicates your own immaturity. A mature person with self-confidence is courteous to others—especially to those he loves the most.
9. Forgive daily. I know a woman who is sure her husband doesn’t love her; five years ago, he was inconsiderate when she really needed him, and she still hasn’t forgiven him. It’s hard to love someone if you’re holding a grudge.
The Lord has commanded us to forgive one another. (See D&C 64:8–10.) There is no place where truly forgiving one another is more important than in marriage. The Lord tells us not only to be forgiving, but also to bear affliction patiently, not to revile against others, and not to seek revenge. (See D&C 31:9.) We must practice this great principle!
10. Give your wife a chance to grow every day. In his great talk “To the Fathers in Israel,” President Ezra Taft Benson reminds husbands to “recognize your wife’s intelligence and her ability to counsel with you as a real partner. … Give her the opportunity to grow intellectually, emotionally, socially as well as spiritually.” (Ensign, Nov. 1987, p. 50.)
Make sure your wife has a chance to read, take a class, or be involved in projects of her choosing. Relieve her of some tasks so that she can do these things freely.
11. Study the scriptures together daily. Scripture study creates great unity in marriage. Studying the scriptures means more than just reading them together—it means searching them diligently (see Alma 17:2), pondering them (see Moro. 10:3), and discussing them together. If you are a returned missionary and your wife isn’t, don’t assume that you understand the scriptures better than she does; study together and learn from each other. Allow the Spirit to teach you.
12. Pray together every day. Nephi tells us that if we don’t feel like praying, we are being taught by the evil one. (See 2 Ne. 32:8.) Prayer should be an integral part of your marriage every day. Including Heavenly Father in your relationship can bring a peace that nothing else can duplicate. Even though you have personal and family prayer, you and your wife need to take time to pray together.
A Dozen, Plus Two
In addition to the daily dozen, here are a weekly and a monthly bonus:
• Weekly date. Spend one evening a week together, just the two of you. And be creative—don’t make it dinner and a movie every week. Take turns planning something new.
• Monthly temple date. Go to the temple together at least monthly. When I was a child, I loved my parents to go to the temple because they were always nicer parents when they returned. There is a unique spirit about people who attend the temple regularly; that spirit can’t help but greatly enhance your marriage.
This daily dozen—plus two—can do wonders. Try them and find out for yourself!
[photos] Photography by Steve Bunderson
Dee W. Hadley, a Sunday School teacher in the Cottonwood 13th Ward, Salt Lake Cottonwood Stake, is a marriage and family therapist and teaches at the Institute of Religion adjacent to the University of Utah.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)